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| Today I went to Walmart to buy red bull and Stacker 3. You technically need to be 18 to buy the Stacker and I'm only 17, but I went through the self-checkout and after I scanned it, it said I needed employee approval and the guy didn't ask me for any ID, thankfully. Stacker 3 has a lot of caffeine in it. I already took one and I'm not feeling super energetic, probably because I'm basically immune to caffeine thanks to years of drinking energy drinks. I've decided that my goal weight is 114 (I'm 5'7). That's not so skinny that my mom would freak out... actually, it probably is, considering she's weird about weight... but it's thin enough that I think I'd be happy at that point, especially if I were more muscle-y. 114 has always seemed like an ideal weight for me. My BMI right now is 20.7... If I weighed 114 it would be 17.9. That's considered underweight, which I would love to be. Not TOO underweight, though. I definitely don't have an eating disorder. I believe I did from when I was 11 - 14, and "disordered eating" or whatever from ages 9 - 11 and 15-16. Now I just want to lose weight. Sometimes I look in the mirror and honestly don't want to leave the house just because I look so huge. I've lived with that feeling for so long, and now it's finally time for me to just suck it up and lose those 15 or so pounds that make me so self conscious. I want to make another change this school year, too... I want to actually try to make good grades (something I've never really cared about) and be more involved so I can get into a good college. I got a 31 on my ACT (I plan on taking it again, though) which isn't bad, but I feel like I could do better. I can especially do better on schoolwork. I need to ease back into the role of the perfect daughter, sister, friend, and girlfriend: getting good grades, being the funny and energetic one, and hopefully getting skinny. I'm already going to the tanning bed and taking diet pills - it's like I'm turning into a plastic - something I'm not too proud of, but I guess that's the way things go sometimes. | | |
| I haven't written a public entry in awhile... I've been doing the whole private thing instead. I like that better. My last day of school is tomorrow and I'll finally be a senior. Knowing that this upcoming year will be my last in high school is unreal. I still feel way too immature and unsure of myself to be at that point in my life. I'm thrilled that school will finally be out but I'm also scared to death at the thought of bikini shopping and wearing shorts in front of people. I'm going on a mission trip in June and all I can think of is the fact that I can't be this fat then or I'll have to face it in all the million pictures that I'm sure will be posted on facebook later. And even more intimidating: July 21 I'll be going on a cruise in the Bahamas and Virgin Islands. My mom's been bugging me all week about picking out cute swimsuits for the cruise before it's all picked over and the thought terrifies me. I've tried on a grand total of one so far and I almost cried in the dressing room. I ate sushi for lunch today, after school with some friends. It was more food than I've eaten in the past 4 or 5 days put together: I've been living off of energy drinks and green tea appetite-suppressent pills. Ironically, I think they make me even hungrier. I've got a boyfriend... we've been dating about 3 1/2 months and official for almost 2. He should be entering his sophomore year of college but instead he took a year off after graduating. I've realized how weird I am with relationships. Whenever he touches my stomach or thighs I cringe and pull away. When we started dating, whenever we were in the car he'd always just rest his hand on my leg and then comment on how nervous it made me. I'm always asking if I'm "crushing" him and whatnot. I know he likes me no matter what, but get this - him and his best friend call their girlfriends (me and another girl, obviously) thunder thighs. THUNDER THIGHS. I really do know they mean it in a joking way, but I can't help but go crazy when I hear that. I hide it of course, but in my head I'm comparing my thighs to the other girls and wondering what he really thinks about my body. And naturally, no matter how many times he says he thinks I'm beautiful, I can't trust it. | | |
| On Halloween, I went to the mall to visit my friend who was working. I was dressed as a "Catholic School Girl" in a short plaid skirt and a tight white collared t-shirt with knee socks and black chunky heels. I met this guy who works at GNC (a vitamin/health store) and he gave me some free stuff, like an energy drink, Burt's Bee's Lip Balm, etc. The next time I worked, I went and visited him on my break and asked him if I could get some free diet pills. He told me they'd notice if a thing of diet pills was missing, but if I'd let him take me out to dinner he could work something out... I just acted like an airhead and like I wasn't catching on, so instead he told me Christmas was coming up (and my birthday, I told him... the fact that I'm 16, almost 17, should probably bother him considering he's probably around 24, but of course it doesn't) and he let me pick out a kind and said he'd "see what he could do". Hopefully that'll work out... I'm not gonna go out for dinner with him for them though. I mean, eww. He's not that bad looking, even, but I guess I'm picky. | | |
| I remember freshmen year, some friends of mine were talking about my screwed up attitude towards food that I had been [trying] to hide for 6 years at that point and decided that "by junior year kelly will probably snap and start passing out all the time..." Last year when I didn't eat I would black out. This year when I don't eat I just get tired. I always keep coming back to this...
I'm so unbelievably stressed out. I'm scared to death of going to college and choosing my future and at the same time I want to leave so bad to just get away from high school and all the stupid people and drama that comes with it. (Minus a very select few close friends, though, who are so completely amazing). This year is so overwhelming. The realization that high school's half over is a little scary. Having a job and all honors or AP classes drains me to begin with and I have so many other obligations with church and staying close to whatever good friends I have left
AND WHEN I EAT
It makes everything so much worse. I can't even concentrate if my stomach's full. I just break myself apart and thank God that no one seems to be noticing.
AND WHEN I DON'T EAT
Everything's just that much clearer... | | |
| Liquid diets are my favorite things ever. I have a binder now that I glue skinny-model pictures in. It's pages and pages of perfect-people collages. It's awesome... | | |
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